on my life as it is right now.

Tomorrow (today) is my first day off in seven days.
i went out to a couple of glasses of wine with some girls from my new job. I really like them a lot. Like, why wasn't I meeting these people before??? We talked about how the restaurant we work for is so souless and explained to eachother why we were there and what we hoped to gain from it. Like, these are some of the coolest girls i've met in a long time.
I'm going on a date or something tomorrow with the guy that I met at the party last week. I don't know that I've ever been on a real date before. what does a real date mean? i don't think i'm into him romantically, but we'll see.
feeling pretty good about the ex situation. I ended up emailing him about the skateboard, and we've emailed a few times since then. I guess I don't feel so rejected anymore, and that's what my problem was. Like, I really don't care.
Having a good time with the guy I mentioned a few posts back about a new "love interest". I think that's all I want right now. I mean, I KNOW thats all I want right now. He's fun, and I like him and he likes me and we enjoy eachother's company. What more could a girl ask for?

on my new job.

started my new job on sunday. mostly i just watched and tried a few of the pick ups. service is eight hours long. it's crazy! on monday, i did the whole station (meat roast) by myself with the girl who was training me not too far away, just in case. did pretty well. like it's not difficult work, just timing is the hard part. the girl who is training me is super cool and i like her a lot. i'm bummed that i am going to be working in the mornings without her. we've only worked two days together and i feel like we are old friends. I think i like this new job a lot.
catered tonight. it was okay. i really really really hate catering. but when i get the paycheck, it all seems okay.
i'm losing my tan from italy this summer. i just looked down and noticed how white my arms are. it's raining. i can't wait to go to bed.
went to a disco party that one of my favorite friends was throwing last weekend. i did the best i could in the dress up department, but i really hate dressing up. usually i am a wallflower at parties and this was no exception. but met a nice man who was a wallflower too and i think we are going to hang out this weekend (on my ONE day off).
Spoke with my oldest and dearest friend out in L.A. last week. She said I needed to get myself out there. And I have and i like it and I like people and people like me and my faith in humanity has been restored.

on taking a big step

i did it. i deleted all the old emails from him. it was a big step since we've exchanged emails for the past 3 years (which is relatively long in my 27 years). but i did it. they are gone gone gone.
I came across his skatboard today that has been in my closet forever. I think I am going to just throw it away. I mean he hasn't had it in like forever, and it feels liberating. we'll see. no rash decisions when I am emotional.

on my friend Delicate

I love my friend Delicate. We try to talk once a week on the phone, as she lives in CO and I'm of course here, in NY. We went to culinary school together, jeez, going on FOUR years ago. Anyway, we've kept in pretty good contact over time. She works a one-woman-show in a bistro in this little town an hour and a half outside of Denver. I say "fuck yeah!" to her.
Anyway, tonight was one of our visits. She reads my blog regularly (is she the only one?) and like the delicate flower she is, brought up my heartache about the ex. She'd only met him once when she was out for a visit, but we all went to dinner together so she got a good feel for who he was. And while she knows (as do I) that he is a nice person, she pointed out how controlling/ selfish he was. Yeah, he was selfish. I'm not one to talk to all of my friends about him (hence my blog as an outlet) and my parents know everything and they are totally great about listening, it's just not the same as hearing it from one of your friends. Plus, most of my friends are at minimum his separate aquaintences and the last thing I want to do is vent my frustrations to them. AND the ex and I were pretty exclusive meaning we didn;t hang with other people all the time so none of them who have an objective opinion anyway. I immediately felt better after she said her short piece on him. I felt a little angry (towards him, not her) but in a healthy, empowering way. Everyone needs friends like Delicate. Supportive no matter what but always willing to give it you straight. I only wish she was closer. sigh.......
PS. I still hate Halloween though.

on wallowing in my own misery

I took the job. It's the first time I have not started at the absloute bottom. $11 an hour as the roast cook at a very popular roman trattoria near my house. I know, $11 an hour for a 27 1/2 year old woman living by herself in the village in New York City. Insane, right? Luckily, I have a financially saavy father who set up some stocks and I can withdraw on the dividends every month. It's not much, but when you make $11 an hour, anything helps. I start training on Sunday. Now I have to phase my part time job out and I feel really bad about it because I made a commitment to her until the end of the year. But like I said in a previous post, so far she has only given me one day a week.
Tomorrow would have been my and his anniversary. Like, I feel cheesy even thinking about it. But I'm so sad. Like so so sad. I miss him so much and I want to call him but in my head, if I called him, I would want everything to be the same. And it's not the same anymore. I don't know why I am having such a hard time letting go. Like I can't. I guess thats been a problem of mine my whole life. I miss him so much. And I want him to miss me too. I'm a fucking wreck. I try to be happy. I guess I just miss feeling wanted. Some online personality disorder I took said I am highly narcissistic and moderatley codependant. I don't know how true that is becasue I took it a few times and depending on my mood at the moment, my disorders changed. Plus, It's an internet test. See how down I am?
Also, I hate Halloween. I hate getting dressed up. I hate seeing people in masks. I hate my neighborhood as the bigggest parade in the city starts one block from my house. Maybe if I had a larger group of friends I wouldn't be so down. Maybe if I got off my ass and did something productive I wouldn't feel so down.

on how when it rains, it pours.

So I'm doing the part time restaurant work thing..... Worked one day so far. She told me she would need me at least three days a week, but I'm only aware of one day she wants me to work next week. SO! I email my old standby that I cater for around this time of year for some extra cash, and he offered me all these parties (you make $25 an hour at parties and there is a five hour minimum....So if I work for 3 or 4 hours, I still get paid for 5). That's great! I said. Meanwhile, he is going to email me the specific dates. So I'm catering today in this HUGE 11 bedroom mansion in Westchester with this guy from Ireland and this other guy from France. The Irish guy is Alan Grubman's personal chef. I get a call from this restaurant I trailed (not the one that shit on me, but the other one) and it's the chef asking me if I want to come in and talk on Monday! I had emailed the sous chef a few days ago and told her if anything opened up that I would like the opportunity to work there. I guess, meanwhile, someone didn't show up for work and the chef called me. I told him I'd already made commitments, which he understood, but I should have a schedule worked out soon and that I really wanted to be there. So that's good news on the job front. Bad news? My heart still hurts really bad and my bathtub won't drain but I can't call my super to come fix it until Sunday when I will be home. Hopefully the Liquid Plumber I just put in will take care of it.

on whatever.

oh my god my heart hurts.

on getting the ball rolling.

My friend that I went out with last night, passed along a catering job in Westchester to me. I think it's going to pay something like $150 - $200 a day, and it's for two days. Pretty excited. I only spoke to the guy on the phone, and he has a super thick Irish accent, so he's hard to understand. I also took a part time job today at this really yummy restaurant by my house. I met the chefs through a mutual friend, and they are pretty cool chicks. Really good soul satisfying food too. They want me to work 3 days a week minimum. Hell, at this point I'd work 6 if thats what they wanted. So, it's good news.
The down side (what, you expected this to be all roses???)? is that a buddy of mine from high school's band is playing at a venue across the street from my house on Saturday! AND on FRIDAY, the restaurant that I took the part time job at is hosting a dinner at the Beard House. MAN! I wish I could go to it! But, I can't turn down $200 since I am emptying my bank account (literally emptying everything) to pay my rent this month. Totally sucks. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to go to one of those again in the near future.
And, I have a new love interest.
ciao!

on ill communication.

I didn't get the job at my first choice spot. I think what happened was when they offered me (or at least I thought it was an offer, but in retrospect I'm not so sure) a position that was lower than what I wanted to take, I said I didn't really want to work that, but I still was going to trail another spot and I'd call them on Friday (that was last week). I trailed the other spot and love love loved it. As I was watching the plates go out, my mouth was watering. The food is rustic and beautiful, the way I love to cook. When I asked what position they were hiring for, the sous chef (whom I'd had dinner with like a year ago, we have mutual friends) pulled me downstairs and said that she'd had no idea that anyone else was coming in to trail and that they had hired someone already. It sucked, because I really really loved the food and the environment of the kitchen. Like, really really loved it. Anyway, I call the first place back and set up one more trail for Monday. I go in, work 10 hours (for free) and I actually thought that working garde manger won't be so bad because I really want to get into this restaurant. When I sat down with the chef at the end of the night, he said that they'd hired someone the day before. So why the fuck did they have me trail again? I felt really shit upon, and they basically got like 22 hours of work outta me for free. To top it all off, I didn't have my ex (aka my companion) to mourn to. Like, it's okay that he's not around, but this was just one of those times where it would have been nice to have his ear. I suppose with everyone coming and going throughout my whole life, it's something I should get used to, or at least learn how to deal with.
So tonight, I went out with my boy and we ate hotdogs wrapped in bacon and then drank wine with cheese and had sherry for desert. See? Life's not so bad.